Sick of hearing how important relationships are?
Tired of all the talk about how awesome it is to have friends and loved ones?
Don’t fret – help is at hand!
Follow these amazing tips and you won’t have to worry about having good relationships (or, well, any relationships) – whether with romantic partners, family or friends.
1. Be Right. Always.
Acknowledging mistakes and extreme behavior such as saying sorry is for wimps.
A better strategy is to insist you’re right, no matter what.
If your pigheadedness is met with logical arguments or convincing persuasion, resort to personal attacks (you smell), distractions (have you gained weight?) or all-purpose retorts (you are!).
2. Let Yourself Go
If someone really loves you, it shouldn’t matter that you make no effort to look after yourself.
People who want good relationships try to remain appealing to their loved ones – looking good, being interesting, maintaining personal pride.
Abandoning such pretentions means never having to say ‘pass the remote’.
3. Expect them to know what you want
It takes a certain amount of self awareness and thought to work out what disappoints you and to ask for something different from your loved ones.
Don’t waste your time and brain cells on this. Let them work it out. Really, you’ve got better things to do.
Isn’t Jerry Springer on?
Expressing your feelings and negotiating for what you want is a fast train to good-relationsville. Get off now!
It keeps the other person clueless so that deeper closeness is impossible.
Plus, it’s really unattractive and annoying, helping to erode any lingering loving feelings in your loved one.
Two birds, one sulk.
5. Be needy
Over-reliance on your loved one is a great way to turn them right off.
Develop a pathological need for reassurance, crushing insecurity, and constant inability to do anything yourself.
Before you know it, Bob’s your uncle.
And your loved one’s your mother. Sweet.
6. Be irrational
This is a toughie, because flashes of rationality can creep up on even the most hardened anti-relationship-er.
Instead, commit to drama, histrionics, hysteria.
Excellent strategies include bringing up irrelevant points, hurling things across the room, and bursting into tears.
Also, take extreme offense as often as you can. If you can take offense, do take it – no matter how much you secretly suspect your loved one didn’t mean it that way.
Taking a closer look at what you really feel only leaves the door open to rational understanding. Slam it shut!
7. Be aggressive
When a loved one tries to raise a concern with you, be quick to shriek like a banshee, scream abuse and/or slam multiple doors in response.
The more anxious the other person feels about talking to you, the more likely they’ll keep things to themselves.
This saves you from hearing about their pesky issues, while simultaneously increasing their frustration till they’re so fed up, they give up.
8. Never move on
Harbor all past resentments. You’ll need this ammunition during completely unrelated arguments.
Buy a notebook (might I suggest a very large one) and keep it – and your heart – filled with resentment and bitterness.
In no time your relationships will need more than cortical stimulators to resuscitate them.
9. Assume the worst
About the biggest mistake you can make is to assume your loved ones love you.
You then begin to see them and their behavior through this filter.
It will put you in the disconcerting position of thinking they have good reasons for things, hearing them out, and, in alarming situations, realizing you misjudged them.
Instead, assume they hate you, are out to get you, and wish to see you perish in a steaming cauldron of rank gym socks.
After all, isn’t that more likely?
10. Complain constantly
I’ve saved this gem till last because even robust relationships that can survive a lot will struggle in the face of non-stop negativity.
People have their own concerns, worries and insecurities, so continually assaulting loved ones with your barrage of complaint will eventually wear down the best of them.
Add a whiny tone, unrelenting personal criticism and deep, slow sighs and you’ll be howling ‘I am a rock, I am an island’ in no time flat (and if you sing flat, that’s a bonus).
Don’t suffer the torment of love, friendship and companionship one minute longer.
Put these tips into practice with your friends and loved ones, and before you know it —
Hey! Where’d everybody go…?
Image by James Jordan