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These lessons have completely changed the way I relate to my loved ones.
I hope they’re helpful to you too.
Best Relationship Advice Ever Part 3:
Swap Complaining For Asking
So often when people are unhappy with someone in their lives they complain about what’s wrong.
He never does any housework.
She never wants to have sex.
Mom always gives the kids junk food.
My boss always overloads me with too much work.
But as long as you focus on the thing you don’t like, you stay stuck, and nothing changes.
Instead, it helps to think about exactly what you do want, and then (are you ready for this?) to ask for it.
You increase your chances of getting the thing you want if you follow these rules.
1. Be Specific
Ask for something concrete and measurable rather than something vague.
For instance, instead of asking them to do more housework, you could ask them to vacuum the house on Saturdays, or to load the dishwasher after dinner.
2. Be Positive
Turn your complaint into a request by focusing on what you do want, not what you don‘t want.
Instead of asking your mom to stop giving the kids junk food, you could ask her to give them fruit when they’re hungry, or for snacks.
Instead of telling your boss you’re constantly overworked, ask them to help you identify your top priorities so you can focus on getting the most important things done.
3. Be Nice
If you preface your request with a 12-point critique of the many and varied ways in which they regularly fail you, then you can expect this to go badly.
Instead, smile, adopt a pleasant tone of voice, and explain calmly what you’d like them to do, and why.
4. Be Prepared To Negotiate
You may have a tough time changing the status quo unless you’re prepared to offer some incentive.
Is there something they want that you could offer in return?
Perhaps something like, ‘If you vacuum the house on Saturdays, then I’ll be calmer and happier and I’ll stop nagging you during the week’.
The Joy Of Asking
Asking may not get you what you want. Or you may get what you want for a price.
But it’s still better to ask that to complain.
Because the other person will respect you more. It’s hard to have a high regard for a complainer.
But even better, you’ll respect yourself more.
Which might be even better than the thing you wanted.
What Do You Think?
Is this good advice?
Do you already do this?
What suggestions do you have for asking for what you want?